I've mentioned before that I'm struggling with postpartum depression. It took me a few months to admit it and seek help, but last June I started taking medication for it. Part of the reason I've been afraid (especially at first) to talk about it is because I have pretty mild PPD, and sometimes I even wonder if I have it at all. I've always been scared that people will hear my experience and say, "Psh, she doesn't have PPD she's just a wimp" (or lazy, or pathetic, or, or). About a month ago I went to see a counselor and it was SO validating. I started talking to her about how I've been feeling over the last year and she said, "Yep, that's depression".
A LITTLE DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying I know everything about depression (because I feel like I know nothing about it except my own experience). I'm not trying to offend, or make someone's experience seem..less important? Not a big deal? I don't know. I just know this is kind of a sensitive topic and people don't really talk about it, so just know I'm somewhere on the scale of really mild to really severe PPD and it's different for everyone, and I hope this can help some moms feel like they're not alone and they have someone they can talk to about these things.
Before Myra was born, I had just finished my Student Teaching, which was pretty much a full-time job. Alex was in daycare, and I was busy all day. Once I finished, I stayed at home, so that was a pretty big change for me. Then add a new baby. It was good, Myra was a bundle of joy, except for when she wasn't. Those first few months are a little fuzzy (ask Michael, my memory is TERRIBLE), but there are some things I remember feeling.
-I hated my life.
-I hated myself.
-I sometimes wished I didn't have Myra (and sometimes I wished I didn't have ANY kids).
-I often thought things like, "What if I accidentally dropped her?" or "What if Myra (or Alex) goes to sleep and doesn't wake up?" I didn't WANT to hurt her and I knew I would never, they were just "what ifs".
-I felt guilty and hated myself for not wanting kids, when I personally know women who have struggled with child loss or infertility. "Here I am, incredibly blessed with two beautiful children, wishing them away when some people would kill to have what I have."
-I felt worthless, and like the world would have been a better place without me.
-A few times I thought about harming myself (and when I did, I didn't actually want to I just thought about it).
After I started taking meds, things got a little better, I was happier, things were looking up. But since then, there have been times that I've done really well and then the next day everything would come crashing down and I'd be back at square one. It's so frustrating!
A couple months ago, I had a REALLY bad week. One night, I'd had enough and I convinced myself that I didn't want to live anymore. I was determined that the next day, I would end my life. That next morning, before he went to work, I told Michael that I was scared about what I would do if I had to be home by myself all day. He said he'd see if someone could cover his closing shift and get off early.
Before he was able to leave for work, his car wouldn't start because the battery died. We didn't have jumper cables, so he had to take my car. I don't believe it was an accident that Michael's car wouldn't start. It probably saved my life. A couple other tender mercies happened that day. Someone came in to cover Michael's closing shift, so he was able to get off early and be with me and the kids. His mom also came into Vegas and we were able to spend time with her. I haven't been that bad since, and that day scared me so bad I started looking into seeing a counselor and so far it has been very helpful (I've only been twice).
My friends, life is not easy. It wasn't meant to be. And here are two videos that illustrate something that I know for sure: He Lives. Because of my Savior, I have hope for the future. I know He can heal me. I know that He loves me. I know I am never alone. And I know all of these things are true for everyone, not just me.
(this is a Christmas video, but I LOVE the message it shares about our Savior)
So to anyone reading this, hold on to HOPE. And know that if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm your girl. And if you know anyone who might benefit from reading this post, please share.
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